Has it ever happened to you that you just feel like giving up, just want to lose and break apart. You don’t have the will or the courage to fight anymore. It seems losing the battle is the only way out. At least then you will have peace of mind. Then you don’t have to fight everyday. It will be perpetual bliss then even though you lost.
It’s happening to me now. I am fighting a monster. Whatever I do, I can’t make a dent in the desperate situation. When I try to win, all I end up doing is biting the dust. I am so sick and tired of the whole thing. It feels like with every attempt I make, the problem gets bigger and worse. It’s like its using the energy I m putting in to its own benefit, to feed itself and to grow more powerful. Now all I want to do is accept my defeat and run away from here. Somewhere far and peaceful, where this monster won’t haunt me anymore.
But the truth is I can’t do it, no matter how much I wish I could. What keeps me going is not the fear of defeat, I will accept it too gladly. It’s the shame of defeat. That’s what I fear. You have that nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you gave up. And all of us hate that feeling.
So I will fight till I learn to live with that shameful feeling. Does anyone has a better solution?
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